I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
