i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
i need some magic done to my vagina
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
