Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Randomize
