***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
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Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
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Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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