Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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