i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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