I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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