I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
