you turned your livingroom into a bong?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
