i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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