This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
