its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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