Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
