Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize