dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
