Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
