I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
