My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
