If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
