my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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