You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
