It's like God shit irony all over that family
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
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Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
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He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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