That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
