I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
