I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
