hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
i believe in u and ur pee
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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