it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Randomize
