I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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