Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
