I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
