For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
