He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
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He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
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The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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