I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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