i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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