Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
