i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
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Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
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Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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