rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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