I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
