Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
