Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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