also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
