turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
