he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
