Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
