Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
