Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
