Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
