she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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