I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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