Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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