it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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