if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
